355 · Garry Kitchen's Battle Tank

• Climb in and discover the Earth shaking power
• Garry Kitchen…not quite Sid Meir
• Michael Esposito’s NEStalgia
• Donkey Kong (1982, Coleco) arcade port 2600
• Garry Kitchen's Gamemaker (1985, Activision) C64
• A Boy and His Blob: Trouble on Blobolonia (1989, Absolute Entertainment), co-design and programming, with David Crane (whose name IS on the box)
• Gameplay Loop
• First-Person Tank Combat: The core gameplay is a first-person perspective tank simulator where you control a tank in various missions. Players must navigate 3D environments, destroy enemy vehicles, and complete mission objectives.
• Mission-Based Structure: Each mission has a specific objective, such as destroying a certain number of enemy tanks, reaching a waypoint, or protecting allied units.
• Resource Management: Players must keep an eye on their tank’s limited ammo, fuel, and armor. Picking up supply drops or strategically planning movements becomes crucial for survival.
• Enemy Encounters and Strategy: The game requires both offensive and defensive tactics. Players must decide when to engage or retreat to preserve resources and complete their missions.
• Key Features of the Game
• 3D Graphics on NES: The game uses pseudo-3D graphics to simulate a realistic tank experience. While primitive by today’s standards, it was ambitious for the NES and delivered a unique visual experience.
  • HUD and Tactical Elements: The game features a detailed HUD showing fuel, armor, speed, and radar. Players need to understand and use the information effectively to plan their moves and react to threats.
• Simulated Tank Controls: The game uses realistic tank mechanics, including independent control of the turret and the vehicle’s movement, making it feel more like a tank simulator than a typical arcade game.
• Varied Mission Objectives: The missions change up the gameplay by requiring different strategies, from all-out assault to careful navigation and resource management.
• What Makes It Unique/Different from Other NES Games
• Complex Control Scheme: Unlike simpler NES games, Battle Tank has a more complicated control setup, which involves steering, aiming, and firing with precision. This added complexity gives it a strategic edge over most action games.
• Frustrating Parts of the Game
• Difficult Learning Curve: The controls are complex and can be hard to master, especially for players used to simpler, more intuitive NES games. This makes the game less accessible to casual players.
• Slow-Paced Gameplay: The game’s simulation aspect can feel sluggish compared to the fast-paced action of most NES games, which may frustrate players looking for a more traditional arcade experience.
• Limited Field of View: The restricted viewing area makes it easy to get ambushed by enemies or run into obstacles. Constantly monitoring the radar is essential, which adds to the challenge but can also feel cumbersome.
• Other Tank Games Released on the NES
• Iron Tank: The Invasion of Normandy: A top-down action game where players control a tank in World War II settings. It’s more of a fast-paced action experience compared to the simulation-style of Battle Tank.
• Garry Kitchen's Super Battletank: War in the Gulf (SNES): While not on the NES, this sequel continued the realistic tank combat experience on a more powerful system, showing the evolution of the genre from the NES roots.
• Super Battletank 2
• Improved Mission Variety and Complexity
• Super Battletank 2 offers more varied and complex missions compared to the simpler, straightforward objectives in the original game. The missions often have multiple stages, such as clearing areas of mines, escorting friendly units, or performing stealthy reconnaissance.
• Missions also require players to prioritize objectives and sometimes complete secondary tasks to ensure success, adding more depth to the gameplay.
• 3. New Weapons and Technology
• The game introduces new weapons and advanced tank technology. One notable addition is the use of infrared scanners, which allow players to detect enemies more easily in different visibility conditions, such as during night missions or in dusty desert storms.
• Players have access to an upgraded arsenal, with improved firepower options to deal with various enemy types and strategic threats.

Auto-generated transcript. Each paragraph starts with its timestamp. Speakers are not identified.

00:00 Gary Kitchen's Battle Tank, climb in and discover the earth-shaking power.

00:21 And welcome to NEStalgia, a chronological exploration of every NES game released in North America. I'm Mike. I'm Sean. And I'm Joe. Gary Kitchen, not quite Sid Meier. Tell me about Gary Kitchen. Okay, doesn't it say enough that you have to ask that question? I'm not trying to be rude or anything. We could call this Michael Esposito's Nostalgia if we wanted to. Aren't you listed personally as the author? I don't know how to change that, though. That's just an error on my part.

00:58 But at least we didn't call it Michael Esposito's Nostalgia, right? There's no way Gary Kitchen made the entire game. Look, he... You've got to have a bit of a name already before you can call something like your something. Well, here's the thing, though. What did Sid Meier do before that stuff? We don't... He's a politician. He didn't... He didn't, like, call the first one Sid Meier's Civilization, I believe. Well, Pirates, though. What was before Pirates? Because it was Sid Meier's Pirates, right? Well, it'd be... They also... It's also Sid Meier's Civilization.

01:29 There was things before. No, I know, but what came first? There was things before that. The first game he ever made was, like, a bank game. Hmm. Um... I think it's literally called Bank Game 1. Wow. Followed by Bank Game 2.

01:43 Truly uninspired. Followed by Foe Space Invaders. So this guy's a rip-off, too. He's just stealing other people's shit. How about the Keystone Capers? Oh, so Pirates did come before Civilization. That's interesting. No way. Yeah, and Civilization was called Sid Meier's Civilization. We're learning a lot here today. I always thought the first one was called Civilization, and then eventually it got, like, tacked in. Because he was so famous from making Civilization. Right, right, yeah. But even Pirates was called Sid Meier's Pirate, right? No, I know, and that's apparently the first instance. So maybe this is just... So yeah, he didn't have a name. Yeah, this is just a...

02:21 Somebody's, uh, ego getting the best of them, and then it becoming, uh... It then becomes important that their name's attached, because it was good. Yeah, and it worked, because I don't know whoever was the mastermind behind any of these other games, but I know Sid Meier's. Well, here's the interesting thing. So Gary Kitchen also worked on A Boy and His Blob, which... Which is good. Which is good, but do you know the full title of that game? A Boy and His Blob by Gary Kitchen?

02:56 Gary Kitchen's Boy. Oh, sorry. David Cranes a Boy and His Blob Trouble on Blobolonia. So like... Ah, so his mentor. Yeah, right, if this guy can do it, right? It was his co... They worked on the game together, so it's not like this guy, they were friends. Right. But he's like, oh, David's doing it. So he's like the Aristotle to the Play-Doh. Yeah, he's like, I might as well do it too, right? Like, why don't I just... Sure, every game I ever make, Gary Kitchen's blank going forward, because he didn't call it Gary Kitchen's Donkey Kong when he worked on the arcade port of Donkey Kong for the Atari 2600.

03:26 But he did call it Gary Kitchen's Game Maker for the Commodore 64. Yeah, so that's already getting to the idea that he... This isn't the first time he's had the idea that like, oh, my name sells things. No, yeah, yeah, he's branding himself. And he will continue to work in games for a very long time. So it's not like even though the actual games he worked on that like you would credit him for are mostly these older games. He's still making things as recent as for iPhone. So... Wow. Yeah.

03:59 Kudos. Are the apps names like Gary Kitchen's like Frogger-like or something? No, none of them have Gary Kitchen's name in it anymore, which is maybe just telling. Yeah. About the direction of like, you know, Gary Kitchen's name being mentioned and... Self-esteem. Okay, sure, that too. What a name though. Yeah, I like it. I like saying it. Gary Kitchen, someone's in the kitchen with Gary, you know, it works.

04:25 Game Maker, I don't know anything about it, but it came out in Commodore 64. Sounds like a big deal. Obviously, we all know about RPG Maker. Yeah. Because like, you know, like that was a big deal to us. But I'm saying like, to be able to make your own games as a video game is like during the Commodore 64 thing. Like people are still doing that with Dreams on PS5, right? So it's like... Or was Dreams PS4? That is PS4. It was PS4. Yeah. So I just think that's kind of cool, right? That's a notable thing that you could even make your own games back then in 1985. I wonder how well it did. Like how well it functioned. Right, right. You could put a ball and you could put other balls and mark them as enemies and then you could shoot those balls.

05:11 Are you speaking from experience? No, I have no idea. Yeah. That's what we do. Yep. We have no idea, but we do have a little bit of an idea about today's game. Battle Tank. Just a little bit because we did play it for the episode. Battle Tank, just to give you kind of the core idea here. The core gameplay is a first person tank simulator. I'm going to say simulator. Sure. Yeah. For what 8-bit can do? Simulator. So you're controlling this tank.

05:37 You're getting debriefed on various missions about basically having to destroy enemy vehicles, navigate 3D environments, and occasionally like a little change up in the overall mission objective. But the mission based structure makes it so that you have to destroy a certain number of enemy tanks or helicopters or protecting your allied units. Or a power plant. Right. Protecting your allied units. Some kind of civilian infrastructure.

06:05 Yes. So that to say that like most of these missions, even they're taking over large maps actually, where you can refer to a top down map to see your place and notice where enemies are. There's no radar. It's just everything is presented to you. I thought that was kind of strange. I mean, it's radar. There's radar, right? On the... It's just like one-to-one radar. Like it just, it, like that's, that's in front of you at all times. Oh, no, no, no. Yeah. But I'm talking about like, once you go to that map screen, like you see where the tanks are.

06:41 Oh, yeah. And it's also, they don't move. Like they are, they're, they will always be there. Even if it's like a, even if it's like a helicopter, it just sort of hovers there. Right. So the real kudos goes to the guy who fucking planned this mission to begin with, because he did an amazing scouting report for you.

06:58 Crazy intel. Yeah. But it, I will say it took me a little while to realize the difference between the map and your radar. Like when you're, when you're watching the map as you're moving, you're kind of going to this like abstract depiction of roughly where, of like the area that the tanks are. Those aren't like the same as like the tank dots on their map screen. Yeah. I think like what's happening is there's like an invisible grid. And then you just like, when you're on top of the tank icon on the big map, the big radar, then you're just like, Oh, the, the tanks around here somewhere.

07:39 Yeah. Right. And that's what I, like, I failed to grasp at first where I would like switch to the map screen and I'd be like, okay, I'm flying towards this tank. I'm almost there. So then I'd switch back to the regular screen. I'm like, it's not even on my radar yet. Like it's not even anywhere near me. It took me a while to like, to grasp. I didn't read the manuals. Maybe it would have been clearer.

07:57 It took me a while to grasp that. Like the map is a map. Yes. Yeah. I think that's the most important thing to talk about here is that, yeah, at first it appears like you're just looking at the map to kind of see where you need to go and then leave the map screen to actually go back to the first person mode and drive there. But the map is live and you are moving and that becomes a lot more apparent once you like rev up enough to move fast enough. But you have to, you know, you're switching between these two modes rather than any kind of tactical thing where you're like planning in the map mode. Like it's all happening in real time.

08:34 Well, it's kind of even beyond real time because not only is it a real time map, but there's also time dilation where whereas you will move faster when you're looking at the map than you will when you are just on the ground driving around as the tank in first person. Like you have to switch to the map if you're sort of going over a long distance or it's going to take forever to get there. Yeah. I mean, do we know that you even can get there without switching to the map? Oh, no, I think you can. I've never tried.

09:06 There's definitely some change in your position when you're just moving around in first person. And it's just much slower than like the breakneck speed. Yeah. Staring at the giant radar. It reminds me of in the the Muppets movie, the most recent one where they travel by map to save time. And that's essentially what you do in this game. You just travel by map because everything's faster on that screen. Just to just to get back to the simulator aspect, though, let's talk about the tank because the tank, I would say for what the NES is laying down.

09:44 I'm a fan of this. This is like just enough to make me believe that I could get in a tank and control it. Well, also understanding that there's just no way I could actually control the tank. So this was this is the perfect simulator experience. I hate when you get in. What was that? We played at Long Island Retro Gaming Expo. Oh, yeah, that the mech game, the mech game on X. Oh, yeah. Names escaping me at the moment. And that had so many controls that like it was fun as a novelty, but incredibly frustrating because you need to spend a day reading the manuals just to understand everything.

10:21 And and I don't know if like that's what I'm looking for my simulator experience or if I like the battalion. Yes. Steel battalion. I like this faux experience of just being able to be like, yeah, I know how to ride a tank. I played any as Gary's kitchens battle tank. So I almost see it as I agree with you, but I see it for the opposite reason. I think like sitting down at the Long Island Retro Gaming Expo and playing that was more more frustrating to me because I wanted more time with that to like like that's one where like I feel like I want to own this so I could sit down and learn it and get really into it.

10:56 This scratched the different inch where it's like I can just sit down and like basically figure out how to control this tank and it feels like a tank. But it was I was more frustrated using that other one is like a pick up and play experience than like a sit down and this feels more like, yeah, I can just play a mission of this and walk away. So, Joe, you said you didn't even look at the manual this game. I did not. Wow. What did I miss? You know, I mean, I'm just I'm just impressed by your intuition because I had to because usually recently I have not been looking at manuals. I'm just like, oh, I'll figure it out. And I started the game up and couldn't move.

11:39 Like I was just in a turret that looked like a tank and I could turn and I could shoot and I could aim, but I could not move. So I had to immediately open up the manual to figure out how to move forward.

11:54 How did you figure that out? I wouldn't chalk it up to intuition. I would chalk it up to just like trial and error. I think there was like a brief period of time where I was pressing a and up thinking like, OK, I guess I have to press both of these to move. And then I realized, oh, no, what is that? What is that? A and up, right? Like that moves your. Yes. That moves like your slows you down. Yeah. It moves like your your speed up and it's like you're toggling to that speed. So like you're. It's like you're you're pushing up on the the throttle.

12:27 Exactly. And you leave it there when you let go. Exactly. But it did take me a little while before I was like, oh, OK, I see what I'm doing here because you're you're you basically just like push it up and you can like let go of it. You're just moving at that speed until you want to press a and down to slow yourself down. And then if you accidentally press like a and B at the same time, it just sort of stops. It's a weird that's a weird place to like put a pause button in.

12:50 But yeah, that. So I appreciated that that level of like just finding new ways to create input in a simulator because like there's a lot of complexity here. But like just that it is in it is intuitive once you recognize it. Whereas before I was like, I wouldn't have even thought to press those buttons to get. And and it's a nice like workaround because then you don't have to be pressing any buttons to be moving. And then you can use the the D pad to move the gun. You move the gun up down left, right? You know? Yeah. So that makes it that I think that was a good solution to the to the two button problem. A famous Netflix show.

13:34 It's also a tank like it's a big vehicle that is very complex. And so I kind of like the extra weight of like that. You just don't press the a button to accelerate and slow down stuff like it feels like you are starting up revving up by by pressing both of these buttons. And then, you know, leaving it to its own devices allows you to use those buttons or something else. But I just think it actually like made a little more sense made it made it a little less arcadey because the only other tank game that we've had so far was an arcade tank game.

14:06 Iron tank, which was like a top down game. Top down action game, you know, very similar to a lot of other games that aren't with a tank, you know, instead, you're just a guy with a gun. And it's basically the same game. That one obviously feels a little more arcadey or a lot more arcadey because that's what it was setting out to do this.

14:25 I still think like just even the viewpoint, right? The fact that you're in the cockpit and that you that you have that radar once you get near the enemies and you have all of this information, but it's all working. That's always a nice a nice check is like do all these UI things mean anything? It's kind of weird that I don't think anything on the map means anything like the uplink, the download data. Oh, you think that's a different flavor. Right. But like when everything else matters, it's like, why would you why would you all of a sudden just add like a couple of extra things like the map could have had some other useful features. I just really appreciate how the game can make you feel like.

15:06 Okay, so put another way. What are those racing games? The dirt games, right? Where you're doing the rally stuff. Sure. Yeah. Those games are very hard to actually drive those cars or whatever, right? Like you kind of need to know what the hell you're doing. And especially if you take off a lot of the driver's aids, like it's just gonna it's very tough to drive in that kind of terrain, but also with those kinds of cars.

15:31 But then you could just go into like Forza Horizon, right? And have a completely arcade experience and still feel like I'm good at racing, you know? And then there's like the NASCAR heat series of games, which do like a little bit of the in between, right? Because they have their own dirt racing modes in those games. And it doesn't feel as hard as dirt rally because it's adding some assist and it's NASCAR. So it's like, you know, just going around in circles really fast and whoa, whoa, whoa.

15:58 Okay, you get what I'm saying though, right? Like I do. I do. There's happy mediums. And I think ultimately I'm at my happiest as a gamer when I believe I'm doing something more technical than I really am. And this game achieves the idea, especially in 1990 of like, I'm in a tank.

16:19 I don't know. I'm kind of on two minds here because I think like my, you know, back when I was a kid, like I did play Battlezone, like the old like vector version, and I was terrible at it. I feel like this is, this has to be the same game, right? But, but I actually kind of understood it and, and did feel like I was, I was piloting correctly. But if I had to say my, my, my best tank memory, it's, it's Halo, which is the simplest form of tank with unlimited ammo and very intuitive movement.

16:57 Um, so I, I can't say that I'm at my, at my best or, or I feel at home the most when I feel like I'm doing something complex, but I do get what you're saying that like, this has, this is riding that line of, um, something ridiculous. Something ridiculous. I'm not calling, I'm not going to call dirt ridiculous. Something hyper, uh, hyper sim, like a dirt and something super arcadey and still feeling like you're doing something more complex.

17:28 So I, I appreciate that as well here. Well, just to bring up another name, yeah, uh, William Wright. Okay. Uh, SimCity, right? Like any good simulator game will make you believe that you're capable of something that you're clearly need to like, go do a lot of, you need to go to like college and learn this shit and work like a 30 year career. Uh, but SimCity makes me believe I could run a city.

17:51 And I'm not saying that like in 2024 standards, uh, I, I believe that I'm driving an actual tank. That's not the point I'm getting at here. Instead, what I'm saying is, is that I totally think that for what the NES is capable of, this sells a tank experience. The problem of course, which we'll get into now with combat is that once you are done with the astonishment of your field of view and the, uh, you know, the controls of the tank itself and your weaponry, the actual, uh, gameplay is, is rather slow paced and, and, and not from like a methodical, like, you know, how am I going to take on the enemy kind of thing? It's more just like chasing them down, finding them like the AI isn't really the strongest, especially in the early levels.

18:38 I found that once you'd get into the combat section, that's where things got a little, um, a little weaker for the game. Yeah. Cause you kind of have to wonder like when we're talking about Sim and if it feels Simmy, these are also game developers that may have never driven a tank.

18:56 And, um, go ahead, Joe. Nice. I was just saying, what are the odds that these big game developers have never driven a tank? I mean, you know, I think it's 50, 50. There's probably some vets that made games, but, uh, this is, um, like, I think like what you, when you ask for something to be super engaging and also super Sim-like, it's kind of like having your cake and eating it too. Like when you think about a Sim, you, I think most people's first thought aside from like, if you are, if you have that kind of, uh, insanity, like some of us to really like Sims in that way, uh, you're going to think it's probably pretty boring.

19:41 And like, yeah, it is slow. You are, you are chasing him down a lot. I don't think that's how it is to drive an actual tank, but it does fit into that like Sim feeling of this isn't, uh, like a thrill ride. Yeah. I mean, I, I will say I never, I do really appreciate the, the weight of the tank and the Sim feeling of it. I did feel, I mean, cause the only other games I've really played, I can't think of anywhere I've played like in a tank where that's meant to be a contemporary earth tank other than maybe like Grand Theft Auto, where obviously you're just having like a ridiculous time anyways. Uh, World of Tanks. I'm sorry. What? Not really our sponsor. Uh, um, but I, uh,

20:28 so like I felt, yeah, initially like enamored with like, wow, I feel the weight of the tank. I can see the, the treads moving. It feels like I'm this big, powerful kind of indestructible thing. Um, and I think I felt that indestructibility more as, I mean, I only, I'll say I only did like six missions or so, but I really never felt in danger at all. Right. Did you guys? No, I never felt like I was going to die. I felt more in danger of losing, running out of fuel a couple of times and you can go fuel up. But now helicopters are the bane of my existence.

20:57 They blew me up a lot. I think it's also just because like, what is the war that's going on here? Like, what, what, what? It's the NATO versus enemy war. But what, no, but like, what kind of battlefield is this where it is just like, you know, like, aren't the tanks usually like the. In a battalion.

21:16 Yeah. You know, or just like, isn't it like, this is like a barren wasteland where all that's left are tanks. Yeah. You're just like on Hoth. Yeah. You know, it's like, yeah, tanks and nuclear power plants and transformers and whatever mountains and stuff. It's just, I don't know. I think there could have been more or less even just like, you don't need a map this big. Right. Like you don't need to, because most of the time you're just traveling to the point anyway.

21:41 It really isn't that big though. Like when you take into account kind of warp speed. No, I know. That's what I'm saying is like, you don't, when you take a, when you take away that, right. If you just made it a more like, you know, okay, we're dropping, we're not literally dropping the tank, but like we're dropping you into a, like a battle that's already ongoing. You're, you're the tank and you got to take out like these four nearby tanks.

22:06 So this way our troops can get across enemy lines or whatever. Like that's more convincing to me than just like driving around a barren wasteland, which to your point, you can fast travel through. Fast travel. But then why even, yeah, like why even bother fast traveling through it, right? Like just don't even have it. There's nothing to see along the way.

22:27 I guess I don't really know how to answer that question. Other than like, it, what you, what you are describing, it sounds like an arena shooter. Like, like as if you were, this was just a first person shooter on the NES.

22:44 Where, whereas in what's happening here is they're showing you the map. They're showing you where the enemies are. And then you go take them on and you can fight more than one at a time. But yeah, you know what? I'm having, I'm having trouble articulating myself here. I don't know what a smaller scale version of this game would look like. I think I see what you were getting at too though. So I don't want to, I'm not, you, you were selling it. But I think the problem is, is that ultimately the enemies aren't at, the enemies and the area that you are fighting within does, don't act strategic enough to warrant anything.

23:20 So it does ultimately become the thing that you're worried it would become on a smaller scale. It does kind of just become this shooter between you and whatever tank or helicopter or other enemy you run into, uh, one at a time. Like, yes, you can take on others or you can like lure others together. Uh, it's possible for them to handle that on, in the game. It just doesn't, it doesn't mean like that there's, there's no like, oh, and I should, you know, trick the tank into coming out over here. Cause there's a mountain so I can go around the mountain and then flank them from the left side. Right. It's like, that doesn't happen. And I know that a tank would never use a mountain as a strategic point.

24:01 My, my pitch would be take this, this big map screen and you see like, you see the, the enemy helicopters on there, you see the enemy tanks on there. And you also see like the, your objectives of like the fuel or the, the bridge that you have to destroy. And that's where on that screen you should have, like, since there's nothing to see in between you, you start moving towards the bridge and great.

24:25 You're going to get to the bridge before the enemy, but you're allowing the, those helicopters to get closer to your other objective to protect that. Or like, you've got to decide what you're going to do first. And that, that matter, that should matter. And I think that like, there's still that, there's still a semblance of that in there with the whole fuel system.

24:44 Yeah. Because, oh, well, your fuel system. Yes. But it's not like the enemies change their tactics based on what you're doing or anything like that. They're always just going to kind of try and do figure eights around you. But in terms of like order of operations, you, you have to always be cognizant of where like a fueling station is. Right. Um, and I'm not saying that that's perfect and that you actually are making a sequence of interesting decisions, but it is making it so you're not just going from spot to spot and clearing house. I don't know. There's some level of thought put into it, but I agree that probably not at the, at the level that we would want out of an actual capital S simulator.

25:34 later.

25:52 And another thing to consider about the simulator aspect of the game, which we've been talking around, but it is also a resource management style game where you do have only a certain amount of bullets, a certain amount of smoke screens and lock on ammunition. But then you also only have a certain amount of fuel and stuff like you can't just drag these fights on forever or just always be firing. So, you know, there is a there is another positive back where you were getting back into the right direction. I guess my question is, did you ever feel like in a mission you were running low on a particular thing, even just one of them? Were you ever running low on ammunition or fuel? Fuel all the time.

26:39 Yeah. Fuel a lot for me and ammunition. It was always like some types of ammo that I want, but I but I never I don't think I ever really ran out of everything or anything like that. But yeah, I did often have to refuel. And then at the same time, you have like the like you've got the short term constraint of your machine gun overheating, which, again, isn't a big deal. You might line up with the tank that you're fighting the tank or the the helicopter or what have you sort of leaving your field of view so you can't shoot anyway. But it is another thing you kind of have to be cognizant of or you're going to have a bad time. But again, that's another kind of is it enough to make it feel strategic or just something that kind of makes it feel simmy?

27:31 Right, right. I think it's necessary. And to be fair, they give you a lot, right? A lot of ammunition at the start of every level. Or does it carry over? I feel like it doesn't carry over. I feel like you get no fuel. You can go to any of the houses. The things that just look like houses and you get more ammo. Right, right. But I guess what I meant, like between missions, they refuel you too, right? Like, you know. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I think as a result, like they give you enough, but it does make sense that you wouldn't have, you know, unlimited 50 cal ammunition, right? Like that's that'd be kind of broken. To my point, you would just be firing as you're riding along the entire time.

28:12 But I mostly just needed to use either the 150 or the 50. And that was about it. I'm sure that the smoke screen would have been great for like the helicopters when you're in a jam and you need to like kind of get out of a situation. But there's not really a reward for leaving a fight. There's a reward for like stalling in the moment or turning around. But you always have to come back. There's no like, oh, and now that I, you know, like in other video games, there are just certain ways to just like don't fight anyone and just keep moving to the right and you'll get to the end of the level. Like if you're going to use a smoke screen, you're using it to get back to like a depot.

28:52 And that just means you're going to refill all of your ammo anyway. True. So, yeah, there's not really a, there's no like pro and con there. But you're getting less points, I guess. Yeah, yeah. But no, but it is like, it's a weird thing where it's all, it's, it's cool to have it. But when you actually think about using it in practice, it's like, well, what, what, what am I actually saving this for? You know, it's like any RPG. What am I actually saving all these various potions for? High potions for, yeah. You know, you might as well use them. This is just a PSA. Like if you're playing in a JRPG right now, just use all your potions next time you boot up the game. You won't need them at the end. Unless it's Pokemon.

29:35 That's kind of true. I often, I often need or stock up even more at the end of Pokemon. What about Kingdom Hearts? You don't need it. It depends. If you're speed running or if you're doing a level one playthrough, you know, hang on to those elixirs. I just wanted to get off track. Otherwise you definitely don't need it. Yeah. You got them off track because I do think that that's an interesting caveat. Like speed running is at its most popular right now, right? Like it's only getting more popular. The idea of speed running games.

30:02 But still, like how many people do that in any video game ever? Like the weird thing is the three of us have all attempted it on one game or another. I never attempted a real speed run. Not with Resident Evil 2? That was me just trying to get S+.

30:18 Oh, okay. Sorry. I haven't either. I have tried to get through Kingdom Hearts in like a certain amount of time for a trophy, but I never tried to like, what's the speed run? I've never done any of like the speed run stats or anything like that. Got it. I do love that we did actually get super off track. Hey, that's so off track. You mentioned Kingdom Hearts. That's what I'm going to talk about. I'm sure we can connect Kingdom Hearts to Battle Tank. The essential games list. No, no. Any tanks in Kingdom Hearts? Is there a speed run strat for Battle Tank? There isn't. It's just go find the tanks and destroy them.

30:54 The speed run for the game though, it's worth mentioning there's 10 missions. The like, not the speed run, but like the long play I watched was under an hour. It was like seven hours or something? No, it was like under an hour. Oh, really? The one I saw was like two hours. I saw one that did it in 58 minutes. And I guess I'm just saying like that's interesting because that still means like each level is like five minutes long or whatever.

31:20 Five minutes of mostly searching for the other tanks. That's what makes it sim-like. Yeah, I get it. I get it. The boring times. Yeah. That's what everybody loves. Everybody loves to play video games. And I'm not even joking, right? It's like that's why people work a job and then they come home and they play Euro Truck Simulator. It's like they just want another job. People just want to be told what to do. Go to this tank and destroy it. You're not even questioning why, right? Would you kindly go to this tank? Yeah, right? Yeah.

31:54 Did you see it? It was NATO versus who, Sean? The enemy. Right. Who's the enemy? For all we know, it's somebody who used to be a part of NATO and now we consider them the enemy. For all we know, these cartridges are actually hooked up to a comm link and controlling real tanks on a real battlefield. And we're just mowing down innocent people. These are all just Gary Kitchen's enemies. Yeah. There you go. It's, um... Who was it that put their name on Gary Kitchen's first game that he worked on, too? I forgot. The boy in his blob guy? The boy in his blob, yeah.

32:33 David Crane. I do have something about the game that is fun because it seems like we want to have fun now in the podcast. So I'll get there. Sean, I'm sure you saw this all the way at the bottom of the manual or end of the manual, not the bottom. I'm looking at it as a PDF. But on the last page of the manual, it says, earn your stripes. To earn your stripes, ace the game. Just send us a photo showing you together with the final sunset screen, and we'll send you an official battle tank officer's commission. Suitable for framing, in parentheses.

33:05 Uh, now, here's just one part that's interesting. They require you in the photo? Like, what are they, collecting demographic information? Like, okay, so this guy... No, no, no, no. Okay, this is so that they know that this is a... It's not just your friends... Like, they're not going to send an identical photo. So having a person in the photo, like, oh, this is a different kid that sent us the photo. Or Gary Kitchen is collecting photos of children. I'm not going to say anything about that. I'm not saying anything about that. I'm just saying it's possible, and I'm sorry. But what... I was thinking the same thing. Not the second part. But I was thinking the same thing about, um...

33:44 Like, yeah, so you can verify that you're not just taking a picture of your friend's TV. But, like, how would they know that? I think it's just the fact that it's not the same photo, you know? Yeah, but if you... But if I'm at your house, and you take a picture with yourself in it, and then you step aside, then I take a picture with myself in it, it's still the same photo. Okay, well, at that point, then you broke the code.

34:08 We both get framed pictures. Like, they're not... Yeah. That's not exactly what I was saying, but... They are not framing these for you. You are getting a piece of paper. Oh, yeah, they don't send the frame. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. Suitable for framing. But I'm just saying that at this point, like, they... They're not, like... Like, they're not trying to make this a...

34:29 A completely, like, lie-proof system. I think that they're okay with some kids getting the... What do you call it? But if that's the case, why have a kid in the photo at all? True. You know what? You're right. I also love that it's a photo suitable for framing. Because I hate when I get these photos that, like, that aren't suitable for framing. They don't fit frames. Yeah.

34:58 I was trying to see what the Battle Tank Officers Commission looks like, but all I'm getting are, like, actual, like, army websites. Oh. Whoops. You know? So, and I don't... You know? Gary Kitchen. No, see, yeah. It's just... No one's got it. I feel like nobody ever got this. That PO box still has to be active, right? Or, like, somebody has that PO box. But I just feel like nobody ever got the piece of paper they deserved. That would be terrible.

35:28 This is an all-points bulletin, and I will pay $5 for an actual officer's commission from Battle Tank if you can provide that you won one. No, and you have to be in the picture. You have to be in the picture with your officer's commission, or you don't get the $5. Right, I don't want somebody finding it on Google just because my 12 seconds of Google searching only yielded army.com results. I want... You have to... Yeah, you have to verify, put your name, like, have today's paper.

36:04 And 64 ounces of water. Very important that you stay hydrated. I want to make sure you have 64 ounces of water. It could be inside or outside of your stomach. And while it is very important to drink water, it's also important to finish your podcast episodes, which we're going to do right now in the Essential Games List.

36:25 I thought I was going to sound kind of crazy for talking about how much I enjoyed riding this tank around and going... You don't do that with your mouth? You don't do that with your mouth when you're... Like, okay, let me ask you this. Obviously, nobody's doing that with their mouth, okay? But do you find that you, especially in racing games, like, do you clench a little bit? Like, do you... I'm not saying I grind my teeth, but like, yeah, I definitely hold down my jaw while I'm driving. And yet... I do that when I'm, like, driving my car. That's interesting. I was going to say, I don't do it in real life. Every day must be terrified. I don't actually do it when I'm driving my car.

37:04 You're also bug-eyed out there. He's, like, white-knuckling it on a 30-mile-an-hour side street. I just... I have to say that, like, I'm just more impressed by the technology. So, Gary Kitchen, sorry about the first half of this episode. You deserve to get credit. If you came up with this and you laid this all down, I think putting your name in front of this is an honorable thing because this was a very cool experience on the NES. It's a very bare-bones game when you think about it. It is just providing over the... Like, with small cut scenes, a mission.

37:44 You go to that mission. It's mostly empty. You destroy everything else on the screen. You are told good job and you move on to the next mission. That doesn't detract from how cool it is to be a tank. But it does make... What high praise for Gary Kitchen. But it does make it really tough to put you on the essential games list, Gary Kitchen.

38:07 I hope you'll be back. I think you will be back. Like, you're doing some Simpsons games for the NES, which sounds exciting. I've never played any of them, but I've heard that they're also piles of shit. So, notice that you didn't... He didn't put his name on those. He didn't say Gary Kitchen's The Simpsons Bart vs. The Space Mutants, which I don't know if that's even the full title. So, yeah. I already said no, but I will just say, nice job. Sean? Yeah. I think this is a very serviceable and competent Sim, quote-unquote.

38:48 And I don't think that there's really much that could have made this essential. Like, I don't think that there is a Sim that adds to it. Because, again, like, Sims are always, like, just a lot of downtime and kind of frustrating things. And I do love a lot of games like that, but I just don't know if that can exist as an essential game on this system. So, yeah. It's cool. Good job, Gary. But not essential. Joe. So, I also want to take this moment to praise Gary Kitchen. Now, Gary did a great job. Yes, his game is trash. Whoa. And yes, he did a terrible job.

39:33 But, I'm just kidding. All right. My real vote here. I think that this was a cool, novel experience. I did enjoy my time with it. And I think it feels, it does a good job of making you feel like a tank. And I feel like it's fun at first.

39:51 And it never gets to the point where I'm like, oh, I hate this. But I don't know if it has enough where I would ever like, I don't think I would sit down and play this with my friends or play it by myself. Like, if it wasn't for the podcast. I think the only time I would like play this again would be to show someone, hey, look at this cool, quirky old game, which, you know, is an interesting novelty. But, yeah, I don't think it's enough to be like, I'm writing home about this or how great it was. So, yeah, I think it's a play it, but not essential. One thing I want to clarify, because I think you guys both referenced this.

40:24 It's supposed to be a sim to make you feel like you're driving a tank, not that you are a tank. Oh, right. There's somebody in the tank. I mean, do you have any, like, evidence of this?

40:36 Um, I feel like the after action reports, like, you are part of the crowd where you're saying, like, we blew them all up. Good job, guys. I feel like you're a person. I feel like you're not. I don't control anyone in that crowd, but I do control the tank. I'm just saying, like, it's probably not great to fit. Like, you know, I'm thinking of, like, this is happening in a tent. You can't fit a tank in the tent.

41:00 It could have been, like, a Knight Rider situation, though, where the tank is, you know, has some level of intelligence and is able to do its own stuff, but then it's, like, crazy reveal at the end of the game when, you know, in that sunset shot that they were talking about that you have to take a photo of yourself with, then, you know, the guy who was controlling the tank gets out, and it's like, whoa, no way, you were the guy? Like, you weren't the tank? It's like that whole... It's like Metroid. I'm thinking about... Metroid's a girl? The picture... No, I wasn't thinking Metroid. I was thinking Bigfoot.

41:35 You're the guy next to the giant wheel with the hat. Here's my theory. Super Mario Brothers, what do you see? You see Mario on the screen, and that's who you're controlling. In this game, what do you see? You see the tank controls. You're playing as the tank controls. You're playing as, like, the speedometer. All right, so, yeah, in a first-person shooter, you're playing as the gun? No, this isn't a first-person shooter. It's a third-person game. I'm just putting... This is a third-person game. It is. Yeah, it's a third-person game, and you play as the tank controls.

42:08 Okay. Gary Kitchens' Battle Tank will return, not on the NES, but for Super Nintendo, Gary Kitchens' Super Battle Tank, because remember, everything is just super on the Super Nintendo. And there's two of them. There's Super Battle Tank, War in the Gulf, and Super Battle Tank 2, no subtitle. Just Super Battle Tank 2, and Super, you know, it's just basically an evolution of the same kind of game. You're still getting missions.

42:42 The mission types are a little different. You don't have to always just destroy everything on screen, but I don't think, like, I don't know. I don't think I'm going to seek them out. I think I got my fill with the NES one. What are you guys? Are you going to check out Super Battle Tank? No. I never check any of these things out. Yeah, I don't do that. All right. I don't even know. I wasn't even listening. All right. Yeah, I just played Warzone. Warzone.