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NES box art for Hollywood Squares, the cover of NEStalgia episode 218

218 · Hollywood Squares

▶ Game info
VerdictSkip it
SeasonSeason 5
DeveloperRare
PublisherGameTek
April 22, 2022 · 41 min · transcript available

Two contestants play a version of tic-tac-toe, with "celebrities" filling in for the squares. The selected celeb is asked a question, answers it, and the contestant must agree or disagree with their answer. A correct guess captures that square. After three games, the winning contestant picks a key and a car out of two separate pools, hoping to match the two up and win the car.

SHOW NOTES

Hollywood Squares NES Longplay

Hollywood Squares Wii

Hollywood Squares TV Show

Our verdict: Skip it

Rare made this for GameTek in 1989: a tic-tac-toe game show where each square holds a celebrity with an answer. Instead of a traditional episode, Mike hosted a round on the mic, playing all nine celebrities with deliberately weak zingers, while Sean and Joe were the contestants. Joe won. The format works, but there isn't much game.

What works

  • No typing. It only asks true or false, which suits the NES better than Jeopardy, where one typo costs you. No computer player smashes the keyboard into gibberish when it misses, either.
  • The tic-tac-toe twist. Get it wrong and the other contestant takes your box, so a solved game gets some risk. That twist was the hook, more than the trivia.
  • A deep question pool. The GameFAQs list kept scrolling, and our guess was about 2,000 questions. Nobody hit a repeat.
  • The contestants. Two girls and two boys who differ by shirt color and grimace like they would rather be elsewhere. It matches the vibe.

What doesn't

  • No celebrities. Hollywood Squares is about the celebrities, and these are random people with generic names. It is Trivial Pursuit with a tic-tac-toe board. We pitched parody stars, or Rare's own characters, like the slalom butt guy.
  • A coin flip. It is always a 50/50 guess, which felt a little unfair in our favor.
  • Shaky trivia. Some answers come from magazine articles, so truth is not set in stone. Whether it is ever a good idea to put vodka on your eyeglasses doesn't feel like trivia. Another asked if being diddled is good or bad (bad, since the dictionary says swindled).
  • Fake prizes. The car is a key matched to a car that differs only in color, and the Alps trip is a congratulations screen. We suggested turning prizes into points, such as a Hawaii trip worth 25,000.

Worth knowing

The only sequel is on the Nintendo Wii, with real celebrities like Kathy Griffin and Jeffrey Tambor. You can still buy it new for $12.99.

We never settled the Secret Square. After YouTube clips and a call to someone's mom, we pieced it together: it is revealed to the home audience, pays bonus money for a right answer, and the money carries over if you miss. We still don't know if the celebrities lie or just get it wrong.

The bottom line

Skip it. Joe won the right to decide the Essential Games List vote alone, and he said it is not essential, with a nod for the number of questions. Sean agreed. Joe called it more viable than Jeopardy, though Sean, as the loser, still thought Jeopardy was the better game.

Written from our conversation in this episode.

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